Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
