I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
