I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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