Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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