I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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