I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
