i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
