Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize