the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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