I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
