u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Randomize
