my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
