If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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