i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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