Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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