Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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