i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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