Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
