In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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