My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
