So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
