I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
