i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
