I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
