this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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