Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
