just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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