I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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