She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
