...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
