I think my vagina is haunted
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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