he told me I talked like a deaf person
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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