sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
