Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
