Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
