Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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