That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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