then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
either way he was missing a nipple.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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