his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Randomize
