Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
