Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I love you.
Bad choice
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
