i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
