hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
