There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize