Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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