During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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