allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
