Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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