theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
