I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
