so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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