i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
