i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
