i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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