Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize