I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
