I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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