You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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