I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
