I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
