Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
